…I read an article on Salon.com this morning that sent the subject of marriage hurtling back to the forefront of my overtired brain. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that in this particular case, the idea of marriage is more of a jumping-off point for the thoughts I’m about to commit to blogular immortality rather than the centerpiece of my blathering.
This is the article I read. You should probably take a few minutes and go read it yourself before returning to my ruminations on it. I’ll wait.
Done?
Just in case you didn’t go read it, the quick sum-up is that it’s a piece written by a woman named Sharon Hewitt (she happens to be a lecturer in Philosophy at Brandeis.) And it is a very personal essay about her experiences after receiving the news that her fiance no longer wanted to marry her (or, I suppose, to be more accurate, receiving the news that her fiance no longer felt like he could marry her.) Essentially, he told her that an old girlfriend from his past had resurfaced and he no longer felt as certain about marrying Hewitt.
In her piece, Hewitt talks about the reactions of her friends and family to this news. Many encouraged her to kick her fiance to the curb or to give him an ultimatum (her or me.) Hewitt chose to do neither. Instead, she told him that they didn’t have to be engaged, but that she still wanted to be in a relationship with him while he figured all of this out. She writes about embracing the uncertainty. She quotes 1 Corinthians (you know, “love is patient, love is kind….”) And apparently, said uncertainty has been going on for about seven months now. Her man still hasn’t made up his mind.
I will admit that about halfway through the article I found myself wanting very much to grab this woman by the shoulders, shake her REALLY hard, and holler, “GROW A FREAKIN’ BACKBONE ALREADY!” And it appears that many readers shared this sentiment as evidenced by quite a few of the 100-plus comments left in response to the piece. Seriously. Things like the following:
This piece was ridiculous. Keep lying to yourself. He’s with her. Not with you. See that for what it is and go find someone who can actually care for you and only you. And as a previous commenter said: Love yourself more.
and
Sharon Hewitt has experienced a breakup in all but name.
and
Kick. Him. To. The. Curb. Love may be “patient and kind,” but it *shouldn’t* be STUPID as well.
and
Your premise is all out of whack. Justifying his shallow character & infidelity (if u dont think he’s screwing her too, your [sic] very naive) based on a few bible verses taken out of context won’t help you.
You get the idea. There were quite a few supportive comments, too, but there seemed to be an awful lot like the preceding. At any rate, I was halfway through the article and about to throw my hat in with the “dump his sorry ass already” camp, but then Hewitt said something that completely changed my thinking:
….a lot of things have happened to me in the wake of this broken engagement. The soul searching I did in the first few months led me to some life-changing discoveries about myself, my family and even God. But the biggest factor in my current happiness is my realization that my fiancé’s decision about our future will not make or break my life. I have come to believe — out of necessity, I suppose — that external factors do not ultimately determine my happiness. I determine my happiness, by my own attitude. And I can choose to be happy in complete ignorance of the outcome of this particular situation.
“External factors do not ultimately determine my happiness.”
“External factors do not ultimately determine my happiness.”
“External factors do not ultimately determine my happiness.”
…………………can I get an “Amen!”?
Now, this isn’t to say that I necessarily agree with her choices in this situation. I would like to think that if I found myself in similar circumstances, I’d have the fortitude to not wait around for seven months for some dude who supposedly wanted to marry me to make up his mind about whose pussy he liked better. (Because isn’t that what this all boils down to in the end? We are talking about men here, after all.) But I can’t really say one way or the other what I would do, because I have not been in Hewitt’s shoes and I have no idea what it’s like to be her.
But I agree, with every fiber of my being, with her assertion that external factors cannot determine our own happiness. That was a lesson I needed to learn when my own engagement ended last year. I think I had started learning it when I made the decision to end my first marriage, and the lesson came full circle for me when this ill-advised engagement imploded. And I suppose, to take it a step further, that a significant part of what bothers me about the Wedding Cult[ure] that exists in our society is the fact that nothing runs more counter to this beautiful concept (once more for the cheap seats: “External factors do not ultimately determine my happiness!“) than a big, expensive, gaudy, white WEDDING. A wedding preceded, of course, by a half-dozen bridal showers, a couple of bachelor/bachelorette parties, the purchasing of a foofy white dress, an engagement party, and an elaborate marriage proposal with a huge-ass (conflict) diamond.
I mean, how many more “external factors” can we cram in there?! It’s no wonder we’re hearing more and more these days about Post-Nuptial Depression. (Yes, they gave it a name. I’m now taking bets on whether or not it will show up in the DSM-V.)
I’m thinking all of us — male and female — could take a lesson from Hewitt’s experience, regardless of whether we’re married, single, divorced, widowed, dating, cohabiting, friends-with-benefits, engaged, or whatever. The cookie in the cabinet is this, my darlings (say it with me now):
“External factors do not ultimately determine my happiness.”
Sharon, good luck to you. I wish you courage and self-awareness, and the wisdom to make the decision that is right for you.
