Yesterday’s post got me thinking about some of the things people — particularly women — can do to protect themselves when using online dating services. Any dating site worth its salt is going to make this kind of information available to its members, but given my work with sexual assault victims and survivors, I’m of the opinion that these things can’t be said too frequently or too loudly. With that, here are a few suggestions based on my own experiences, as well as the information typically provided by several reputable online dating sites.
- Protect your identity. More and more users of online dating/matchmaking sites are falling prey to scams that result in identity theft, burglary, or worse. Never give out personal information to someone you’ve only recently met through an online dating service.
- Ignore — and report — requests to borrow money. If someone you’ve just met is asking to borrow some cash, run — don’t walk — in the other direction.
- Do your own due-diligence. Googling your prospective date can be a great first step, but if they have a common name it can be harder to verify the relevance of the information that turns up. In addition, though, there are a lot of online services that, for a fee, will allow you to run a basic background check on someone. This can potentially uncover criminal records, and in some states, marriage and divorce records, too. (I am personally acquainted with someone who met a guy on a dating site and fell really hard for him, only to find out a month or two later — via a phone call from his wife! — that he was married. Whoops.)
- Meet in a public place. When you’re meeting someone “offline,” make sure your first few dates happen somewhere public with lots of other people around. Drive yourself there and drive yourself home afterward.
- Check in with a friend. Whenever I went on dates with people that I’d first met online, I always made sure that someone knew where I was going, who I was meeting, and when I expected to be home. I even went so far as to provide my designated point-person with my date’s name, email address, and phone number (because usually by the time you arrange an in-person meeting, you at least know those three things — at least I hope you do!) After the date, I would call my friend to let him or her know that I had made it home safely. I always felt better knowing that someone I trusted had my date’s contact information and would raise the alarm if I didn’t touch base afterward.
- Schedule an “emergency.” Arrange to have that same designated point-person call or text you within the first hour or so of your date. If you are feeling unsafe or uncomfortable, you can use that call/text as an excuse to leave, citing an emergency of some sort. If things are going well, simply tell your pal you’ll call/text them back later, apologize to your date for the interruption, and get back to enjoying yourself and getting to know each other.
- Limit alcohol. Try to hold yourself down to no more than one or two alcoholic drinks when you’re out with someone new. As we all know, alcohol lowers inhibitions and impairs judgment. ‘Nuff said.
- Watch your drink. Whether you’re drinking soda or a vodka gimlet, keep an eye on your drink and don’t leave it unattended. You never know when someone might try to slip something into it. (This is good advice even when you’re just out at happy hour with friends.)
- Trust your gut. Gavin De Becker’s phenomenal book, The Gift of Fear posits that most victims of violence usually experience a sense of fear or discomfort well before anything violent ever happens. Trust your instincts. Listen to what they’re telling you. And above all else, for women especially, don’t worry about being polite. If you feel unsafe, leave. Period.
As this excellent article on Salon explains, banning registered sex offenders from Match.com will, in all likelihood, engender a false sense of security among a certain subset of its subscribers, which is why I think it is so essential that the company work to educate its users more thoroughly about personal safety and about the realities of sexual assault, in particular. In truth, though, a registered sex offender is only one kind of “monster.” My very own ex-fiance had a profile on a dating website as recently as last year, and he’s mentally unstable at best and potentially violent at worst. But he’s not on any sex offender registry because the most heinous crimes he’s been convicted of are a few traffic violations. It’s none of my business, but I do harbor some concern that some poor woman who meets him might not be as fortunate as I was.
Online dating can be incredibly fun and exciting, but you should never forget to do your homework and keep your own safety at the forefront. If you meet a bad apple, you’ll be able to protect yourself, and if you don’t, well…. there will be plenty of time for openness, intimacy, and love to flourish as you get to know each other.
